A Mom’s First Christmas Post-Divorce: Navigating Over-functioning, Celebrating Your Effort, and Finding Yourself

The first Christmas after a divorce can feel like standing in a snowstorm, trying to find your footing. On one hand, you want to create a magical holiday for your kids, especially when their world has already been turned upside down. On the other hand, you might feel emotionally spent, juggling your own grief, new routines, and the weight of old expectations. It’s easy to fall into the trap of over-functioning—taking on more than you can handle in a desperate attempt to make everything "perfect" for others. Here is an inconvenient truth...

You’re not just over-functioning because of the divorce or the holiday season. Once the dust settles, you still have to contend with your unfinished business pre-marriage.

You might have learned this behavior much earlier, when you were a child trying to earn love and acceptance by being the “good” one, the “helpful” one, the one who took care of everyone else. You might have grown up believing that the more you did, the more you’d be valued. And it’s easy to fall back into that mindset, especially during big transitions like a divorce. But this holiday season (or any major event) I want to encourage you to take a different approach.

Instead of simply criticizing yourself for over-functioning, take a moment to celebrate the person you are deep down.

Maybe you are someone who gives extra, who takes on the responsibilities and carries them with love. That’s okay. What matters is finding balance and understanding where that effort is coming from, and honoring it in a way that’s healthy for you, not overwhelmingly so.

Overfunctioning: A Learned Response to Childhood Needs

Take a moment to reflect on if any why you over-functioned during you first holiday post-divorce and connect the dots to when you were a little girl. As a little girl, perhaps you learned early on that love and approval were tied to how much you could give, how much you could achieve, and how well you could manage things. If you could take on more responsibilities, make things run smoothly, and protect those around you from pain, you would be accepted. It’s a pattern many of us grew up with: becoming the peacekeeper, the responsible one, the one who made sure everything was okay—even when we were falling apart on the inside. This “doing more equals worth” mindset often carries over into adulthood. And so, when a big life change like divorce happens, it’s easy to go into “overdrive” mode, desperately trying to make everything work, believing that if we can just get it right, we’ll feel in control, accepted, and loved.

Maybe this resonates with you.

Perhaps you’ve always been the one who made sure everyone else was okay, while pushing your own needs to the backburner. It’s exhausting, but it’s also deeply ingrained in the way we’ve learned to feel valued.

The Cost of Overfunctioning: Disconnecting from Your True Self

The problem with overfunctioning isn’t just that it burns you out—it also makes you lose sight of yourself. When you’re constantly focused on doing, you forget about being. You forget that you are worthy and valuable, not because of your to-do list, or if you made homemade pasta for dinner, but because of who you are at your core.

During many mother's first holiday season as a single mom, it is normal to not take time to check in with yourself. Instead, you automatically said “yes” to every request, overbooked your calendar, and tried to create the "perfect" Christmas for your kids. You may have been so focused on everyone else’s needs that you ended up feeling emotionally drained, resentful, and disconnected from your own feelings. You thought you had to be everything to everyone, but in doing so, you lost sight of what you needed to heal and rebuild.

It’s so ridiculously easy to fall into the trap of over-functioning when we’ve spent years believing that our worth is tied to what we do.

But here’s the truth: you are enough, just as you are—without needing to carry the world on your shoulders. I have never been more serious about this.

Celebrating Your Effort: Honor Who You Are

But here’s the thing: I also want to honor the fact that if you’re someone who gives extra—who takes pride in making the holidays special, who feels joy in nurturing others—then that’s part of who you are, too. It’s okay to be that person. It is okay to be extra mama! If deep down, you love making Christmas (or any event/holiday) magical for your kids, buying thoughtful gifts, cooking meals, and creating traditions, that’s beautiful. These acts come from a place of love and care. And it’s important to acknowledge that. It’s okay to put in the extra effort, as long as it’s coming from a healthy place and you’re not sacrificing yourself in the process.

Realize that you want to make Christmas special for your kids because you love them, and you want them to feel safe and happy in this new chapter of your lives.

At the same time, learn where the line is between giving from a place of joy and giving from a place of guilt or fear.

The difference is subtle, but it’s crucial. When you give out of joy, you will feel uplifted. When you give out of guilt, you will feel undeniably depleted.

So, take a moment to celebrate your effort—your generosity, your love, and your dedication. But also, make sure you’re giving from a place of balance, not exhaustion. Nobody benefits from a martyr mother.

Recognize when it’s time to pull back, take a breath, and allow yourself the space to just be—without having to do it all.

Finding Balance: You Are Worthy Just as You Are

For the love of all the Higher Powers that be, take the pressure off perfection. The truth is, you don’t have to do everything or be perfect to create a meaningful holiday. The love you show your kids doesn’t need to come with a checklist of accomplishments—it simply needs to be authentic. It’s about finding that middle ground: celebrating the extra effort you give, but also acknowledging when you need to take a step back and recharge. When you do that, you’re not only honoring your needs, but you’re also teaching your children that it’s okay to take breaks, to rest, and to ask for help. One way to find that balance is through self-care—even during the busy holiday season. Whether it’s taking a walk, having a quiet moment with a cup of tea, or reading a book for yourself, giving yourself time to restore is just as important as giving to others. You’re worthy of both giving and receiving.

If you find that you’re still struggling with the patterns of over-functioning, especially those rooted in childhood, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocesssing) therapy can help.

You don’t have to do more to be enough.

High Fives & Heck Yeahs,

Erica

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Erica Wilcox, LPC is a Certified EMDR Therapist and EMDRIA Approved Consultant in East Hampton, CT. She is the Founder and CEO of Wilcox Wellness Center for Personal Growth and speaks globally about mental health and wellness. She specializes in intensive EMDR therapy and works with clients across the nation who travel to Connecticut for a self-led therapy retreat focused on intensive EMDR and healing.

Contact Erica at ewilcox@wilcoxwellness.com to connect and take your next step towards freedom.